Posts Tagged ‘self-respect’

A few times now I have seen the end to something before it ever came to pass. I took in a deep breath and enjoyed it. The smell of the ocean and the mist at my face. Savour those moments to the end. You never know when it will end.

I fell asleep to your cry and still to this day sometimes I wonder why? I thought I was learning what it takes to be a father, instead the path of a man.  That night we held him in our arms, never did I think that would be the last. The purest of memories in my mind, the moment of the riches joys. To look into her eyes and see my son’s reflection. At the time I could have savoured this moment more.  I unfortunately live with this regret.

The band-aide of choice was to honor every moment as if it was my last. My full attention and concentration whenever I noticed I was slacking. Difficult for a ADHD kid at times, but thru time I have seen mass progression. Deepening the bond I have to offer to others.

The Sun was setting on the stern as we headed back to dock for the season. Oh the mist was so refreshing when it  hit my face. I had just raised the tuna poles and securing them tightly with the well worn rope. The soot from the exhausted covered my hands, I felt like it would be my last for a while, so I took another deep breath. My exhale was appreciation for this experience. What a wild ride this life has thrown at me and I am still standing here in a crow’s nest 30 ft off the water.

I like to think God puts us thru trials and we fail. We fail alot, repeatedly over and over again because we are stuck in our ways, fear change, but envy it. GET BACK UP...HEARD IN THE back of my head.  This repeated failure built the author of this post up from some dense ashes. I was lost in my own world of confusion trying to find a cure in all the wrong places. Then a random stranger who became brother introduced me to God right when I needed it. Someone to talk to….

His family opened their arms to me and at times,  I let them down like a son. But they taught me  my failures are my challenges and my challenges are my goals.  Mike and Diane will forever hold a special spot in my heart for introducing me to a saviour. The path I was walking was a dark suicidal. Scared to share for fear of repercussions. They LOVED me unconditionally and supported me with anything I ever wanted to do. They offered me rides to church every Sunday for Mass, Wednesday for class and every group event in between. A place to stay and tons of work. So blessed to experience them and have some formal introduction to God. Even if in the end I am just talking to myself at night. Its working…

As I reach my goals I run alongside others who are racing thru this universe, but I feel alone at times. I am blessed to have a healthy balance of friendship in my life. Those friends held me at my worst and praised me at best. Many tried to help and connect with me, but I pushed you away at times to hide in my solitude.I felt like I was a burden upon others and felt safe alone. Covering my emotions with hobbies, study, business.

When your alone, the voices come out to play. These voices try to play with me  from time to time now, but I have tools now to combat them. WE NEED QUIET ALONE TIME TO FEEL THOSE VOICES.  It’s amazing what life offers you when you keep in the back of your mind, someone is looking out for you. The Tone of the voice changes from a negative to a positive vibe. Encouraging and supportive. Let that new tone be God, Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, The Universe, Your higher self or Ricky Bobby. It truly does help to just have some faith in something, not to mention yourself.

Don’t let me kid you or display my avatar “LAMBO” or fancy heal yourself blog. I can barely focus to type with the tears in my eyes. I had to stop proofreading to control myself and maintain. I have posted alot on this blog over the last 3 years and this is by far the toughest one to share. The most emotions I have allowed myself to feel in a long time. Did not even notice It was building up momentum inside of me.

Each year is different for me and always hits me at a angle I was not covering or prepared for. Once again left alone by choice in confusion and aloneness. These are the times I learn from my God the most. My son was was an angel sent here as my wake up call. Without the event taking place, would I be who I am now? I don’t think so. I was a stubborn boy who needed a powerful event to change my ways. That it did.

The military definitely taught me to maintain/Conceal my emotions. When you’re responsible or leading others in the military you have to keep it TOGETHER for the sake of the team. This is great character traits when your the man of the house. As long as you know how to open up to someone you confide in. Cons I have learned are bottling things up and cause long term mental issues if not SELF-TREATED. Not medicated, but thru self-awareness and evaluations. AKA  a journal.

I don’t think a journal is something that just works with a few people.I think only a few people are willing to make a journal work.


This was a tuff blog post write and I feel so much better now that I could share this with you. The things I do are not required, but they have helped me, maybe they will help you.


Be Strong for others












One persons trash is anothers persons treasure. Unfortunately we treat our relations with others in this manner. When we feel like someone’s trash let’s  think of how many people are happy you became single. Hence you become a new treasure!

Now what about when we are single? What should we do to maintian sanity?

I know somethings that never were beneficial;
Hunting– term used to find potential partners at a bar or event.
Looking for love in general has never been very profitable. The love we seek seems to just happen at the drop of a dime on a randomized day. Unpredictable in nature, but just as beautiful as nature when it blooms.
Facebook trolling/scrolling- wasting most of the day trying to connect with people I never was ment to connect with.
Random messages- Seriously think of how many messages girls/guys get from creepy individuals, alot. This also has not been a good investment of energy.
Getting Butt Hurt- when you send this random message and she/he does not respond. Don’t be a rude and blame them for your insecurities.
Naughty pictures- a warning to both genders, others will see your goodies. Girls are even starting to post the penis pictures to facebook. Best not to EVER do this.

Depression/crazy- if she/he dont respond to your messages or you have issues with how fast they respond. You need to be single. See below, how to build a lofe to be proud of. See how long your depression lasts when you accomplish some goals.

Being single gives you more time to mature as an adult and to properly get to know who you are and what you actually want in life… Both single and taken have their pros and cons. But no matter what you’re feeling on your single status, one thing remains true: you are free. This freedom seems like eternal prison sometimes, but its good for you to grow without relationship influence. Learn what you love, discover your goals and ambitions, and write down your priorities.

Tackling the world may seem like a never ending task,  cause it is until you die. Get used to handling stress and trials on your own. Building this confidence up is nothing but sexy to those who pursue you in the shadows. We all have secret admirers that have been too shy to speak up. Keep that in mind when you feel like a lonely little duck. Keep pushing thru life building your empire of your dreams. Pursuing your life goals will attract the right energy you need to succeed.

Sometimes we fall in love and its nothing but a toxic relationship. Energy draining and consumed by negitive emotions. How can one succeed? Dont keep anything that does not nourish your soul, hold fast to all that does.


Build a life to be proud of
Do you play the guitar? Maybe learn so you can share.
Write poetry? Don’t be scared to share
Are you a history nut? Expand your knowledge deeper.
Do you volunteer? Kindness is sexy.

My point is to learn something… learn something you can teach or share with your partner.
Don’t be boring,  get some hobbies.

Are you ready to date?
Do you have income?
Know how to love?
Know yourself?
Know your boundaries?
Are you happy being alone?
Do you need someone or want someone?

When one or more of these is lacking, chances are your better off without the distraction until you gain control of your life.

Being single is a great time to be you! So many options!

If your recently single and wondering “what the hell happened?”  You or your partner were lacking. Self-healing starts at self-respect, self-reliance and self-love. You attract the energy you put out, be wise to your energy investments and don’t be self-loathing.wp-1467331473224.jpg


Self-hatred (also called self-loathing) refers to an extreme dislike or hatred of oneself, or being angry at or even prejudiced against oneself.

If you dont love yourself, no one else will either.

Be strong my readers, hope you enjoyed this 🙂


Naturopathic Paladin

He stands there firm and tall. He gives no name but offers help. Very kind but very firm. He teaches solitude and reserves his words. He walks with no fear and leads a simple life. His ambitions are high and listens to no critics.

Let us walk strong today and live a strong life. Let fear do its thing else where. Confidence in every step with a smile that screams optimum joy.

Those things that we get are meant to mold us and make us sharper for times to come. Those that intimidate the innocent will get their day to feel their fear. Let the universe do that, not us.

We come from a different world. Most people make a family and a living than they die. They fear of failing in their dreams. We are different then them. We know who we are and where we want to go. We need to see that we are unique.

We are being the right person we need to be and we define our value based off our self-love. We need to see that some people that give advice are not living their dreams. They are not investing in their minds yet they share insight that we can cherish, but with a grain of salt. We need to believe in our goals and not matter how hard it gets. I’m gonna make it.

You need to start reading and start getting to know your self. take the time to see how different your mind is than those of the negative world. Take the first step in bettering the world by doing it for yourself.

Some people aren’t ready for the next step and don’t be held back by their views. We know the need to better our skills in life. We must develop a role model mindset for those we wish you keep around that struggle in an area we can help. We understand we can not help anyone till we are on the right track as well.

We take the time to be in silence and release out thoughts of fear. The universe will take them and renew them with love if you let go of it. I know we all feel like we would rather just wake up when we are their. But we are their in this very moment. With no job, no, car , no house and a dog I am still happy to be sitting here on the bus writing about how much I love my life.

I had tons and tons of income and plenty of free time to get myself in trouble if i so wanted to. Carrying the weight of the world was a task I thought that I had to complete. It still is, but in non-destructive ways now. Being able to offer support at the highest level I can. My words are the tools I have to help you know my friends. Let my love be felt when you read my words and reach out to me if you need support. My ear is always here to help guide a person to the freedoms I found when I fell flat on my face.

Like most people in this world. I ran away from my problems and recouped till a plan was formed. I feel sometimes that is needed if everything becomes to emotional and controlling your life. We all need a place we can find solitude in. I found mine in the woods of Idaho fof the months leading up to the winter. Doing small runs for supplies every other week but resting on my skills to live. Breaking my point of stress and worries of life to just keeping the fire lite.

My friends and family send out worries to me when I ran. They would seek me out on the hill and bring me gifts to remind me that someone loves me still. That joy of seeing a human face was pure joy after being alone for weeks at a time. life in absence of people was a time to find me and understand a need we all have to connect to each other. Helping each other remember that we are not alone in this world when we don’t want to be. It’s only when we lock out our loved ones do we truly find ourselves alone

Falling in love will increase neuronal activity in the areas of the brain associated with pleasure — the very same ones that activate with cocaine use. Using this knowledge to understand that love is a drug and the come down is the worst. That person we had in our lives every day is gone and left you needing a fix. A feeling that every soul on this earth will have a chance to feel. We all have lost someone they love to the worldly challenges a relationship faces.

Let’s face the facts about most of us and no one has a good track record for keeping a relationship. So to expect someone to stay with you forever is quite out of the picture with our modern-day lifestyle. Seeing most relationships last only 2-3 years before they crumble unless they get married or have a good understanding. Life is an experience and you don’t have to sleep with everyone you start seeing. Try to be a persons friend and you will last longer in their lives. Its experiences that we share that build the relationship most try to jump into.

I seek the wisdom of those over 5-6 years with a partner and would love you to comment tricks. how long you waited to move in together? General timelines for sex, i love you, etc that you can think of.

But its been a few months and that one you thought was forever starts not talking to you as much. The fire seemed to die down and all the ash is left. Feels as if the love you started to form went up in smoke and your alone sitting in the ashes.

All people have a choice in the first 6 months of seeing someone if they want to stay with them. Sometimes the incentives we offer up freely don’t attract what we think we want. They attract what we need to have happen to us. The problem is now your hurt and gonna have some walls towards the next guy. That’s where your fear will bring about that same pattern in every relationship till you see the pattern. Identify the fear and release it.

Learn to use the owl totem to help see past people’s masks. See that sometimes people are just selfish and don’t express their true emotions. They say what they think others want to hear in order to please their surroundings cause they in turn are not happy with life. Gotta love life and be infectious with your love. Finding a soul that is really happy and not gonna feed off your happiness is tricky.
I always build my life up for us and remember to keep doing it even when I meet a pretty distraction. We are all meant for our own destinations. When we get off path and become focused on the wrong thing or person. We can only hope the universe ends it before it does more damage than teaches. Let your spiritual development be your goal of your life thru all your trials. Know that if an influence is not good for your spirit, the guides will help you remove it.
  Fall in love every time. Over and over again and again. Even when it hurts and scares you silly. Because the benefits in life outweigh the risks. Because it’s beautiful and fun and painful and terrifying, and totally worth it
 I am fond of a saying I heard about a blast long ago that shattered my soul into thousands of pieces. They reached the farthest depths of space. Coming to form peice at a time in each new soul that I am destined to meet. Finding a little piece of my soul in everyone that I love. Some have had bigger parts, but all have a connection to my heart.

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re worth more than what you see? Like there is an invisible power of greatness that you have yet to discover. Maybe the feelings rush thru you like the blood of a demigod. Waiting for the day you are able to harness your powers. Seeing the glow when you look in the mirror. Feeling the positive energy from others when you enter the room. Being a light tower in the darkness for those lost at sea. Have you felt things before they happen and wonder how you knew? Having dreams of flying thru the woods and pondering the many uses of wings.

I have come so far and I can feel it now growing deeper by day. The fears I once held decay in my memory banks as I shift each obstacle to my gain. For each blessing I receive; I feel compelled to assist my brothers and sisters that struggle the same patterns as me. My compassion overwhelms my spirit with empathy. My call to action seems to slap itself before me and demand my attention. My fingers can’t seem to find rest until I solve this mystery. See an end to the pointless tears of our race.

Archangel Zadkiel

Archangel Zadkiel, is the archangel of freedom, benevolence, mercy, and the Patron Angel of all who forgive.

I carry a superpower that I will learn to wield its mystic love thru the fiery battles of the darkest place we can imagine. Finding the innocents in all as I search the pits will be my protection from psychic attacks. Being aware of my energy is top priority in any event and calling upon Archangel Zadkiel.

Focused on the best possible outcome and not investing the limited energy I possess into events I don’t wish to repeat. Walking with honor for each soul this world offers as an experience to learn and face a new fear. Knowing how to deface the fear by shredding apart its layers of false damnation because I know my self.

What is a super power you wish for?________________________________________________________

The power overwhelms me on daily basis with signs from the universe. Each and every number I see shatters my human thoughts and brings it to the angelic realm. Every night I am up late writing or studying how to be better. Will Smith has been one of the inspirations for me during my transformation to illumination. He says that there is a delusional quality that all successful people have. They all believe in something that different from the normal. When we get those ideas to run out of the house and start moving in a direction. We need to do it while everyone else is sleeping. Let them wake in the morning to the glory we have done. Looking only for personal pleasure in what we have completed. Do something you can be proud of at the end of the day while you are in bed. If I am not doing something everyday that I feel proud of; cheating myself of a brick in my pyramid.

John Robert Wooden was an American basketball player and coach. Nicknamed the “Wizard of Westwood,” as head coach at UCLA he won ten NCAA national championships in a 12-year period, including an unprecedented seven in a row

I want to build a pyramid of love that is strong enough to carry myself and those I can help. To many souls that seems so difficult and full of tasks. Maybe the feeling of failure hits before it is ever started overwhelms them. Being faced with fear of rejection or in situations of despair with no air. I have experienced it many times and can almost feel the lump in my throat right now. I am put on the scene and take the mic to speak the thoughts I need to share. I am not afraid to talk to the crowd with overwhelming amplification because I know the words I have to share will germinate your night with thoughts. My intention is to make you think about a different perspective and advance your self with me in life. Never will I try to claim what you should do, only share what I practice as humbly as possible.

Sometimes we don’t practice well and make my mistakes. Learning as I go  and sharing what I can understand to be a better being of light. This writing is not even meant for you, It’s a tool for me to follow in my life to be at a place where I can help more. I want to see smiles all around me as you soak in your joys. But you have to believe you can do better and go farther than the time before. Paying attention to the signs of life and emotions of others guides me swifter than I could have imagined.  Leave an open ear for people whom you love. Listen to every word and hang on every syllable. As you look deeper at them you will notice your similarities and then you will start to understand yourself more. A friend and I love having talks and both hope the other speaks first to solve our own issues. At times we sit in silence both waiting to for the other to speak. Bursting into giggles with our common issues has been a joyous pastime.  I can feel the love when I am with him in our solitude and I cherish it while it’s there. Neither of us charge for the counselor service we provide. May all beings have someone to share love with. If you think you’re not loved by someone, think again.

Remember that you are loved. Someone at some time loved you. Either your mom,sister, dad, brother, neighbor or friend.

Just remember Someone loves you!

That means your special abilities have touched someone who will always remember you. Possibly your name comes up in thoughts from time to time and brings a joyous smile to a person’s face. Surround myself with joyous people or be forever locked in a realm of despair. Noticing what brings me joy in my day and especially on the rough days. That is how I will do good and represent joy in my heart. Broadcasting out to the world something they can believe in and to highlight the joy of love in their life. Its something you can’t fake.

Who loves you?___________________________________________________________


You are very blessed to have met someone as special as the ones who have held your heart. Be thankful when you are in their presence. Notice all the things you enjoy about this person. Cherish the moments you have with them.These people are mean to mend and bend you. Don’t lose track of who you are while you learn. Remember your needs as a being and express them to those around you. For how will you ever get to your dreams if you’re scared to announce them?

Is there someone who you could have cherished more?



Love your life, every part of your day. Look for the lessons in the bad and live every moment of joy you are offered.

What was a Challenge for you today?


What brought you Joy today?


How is tomorrow gonna be?


Please interact and share with the world!

Be what you admire,
Be what you love.
Now in this moment you are safe and have something to bring you joy. Look around, don’t you see it?
You know what I am talking about, I know you do. Stop thinking about tomorrow and think about today.

What brings you joy now will make you joyous tomorrow.

Choose the joy, release the fear.

Hope all your days have been well and please share a joyous moment in your day Be it today smile emoticon

pride and confidence in oneself; a feeling that one is behaving with honor and dignity: A proper respect for oneself as a human being: regard for one’s own standing or position.

synonyms: self-esteem, self-regard, amour propre, faith in oneself, pride, dignity, morale, self-confidence

Finding the fine line between being walked all over or walking over someone else is a stressful long process. Learning how to help and not allow myself to become vulnerable in the process. Figuring out how much to give and how much should I receive to keep the balance of life. How to set my boundaries and display the respect to others that I expect to receive. To think about all the experiences it took to come to this survival mindset of protecting the values I hold in my heart.

I have had friends who came out of nowhere just to help me survive in my times of trial. Some of these friends have only had a few short interactions with me prior to ever assisting me. That is one of the beautiful traits that attract me to a friendship, the willing to help without any expectations. I am ever so thankful to those that extend their arms to me and forever will honor them in my heart for their love shown to me. I value the respect they showed me by making boundaries and accepting my boundaries. Establishing a clear line of communication was a key working factor in those adventures.

Respectable People

Surrounding myself with respectable people has been key in this transformation to illumination. Respectable people don’t talk badly about themselves or let others views shape who they are becoming. Taking that grain of salt people have to offer and figuring out if it fits in your moral code. Never will I do something that is below the morals I have gained thru experiencing my life. You should never have to chase true friends or true love, let them chase you a bit for a more authentic version of a friendship. Becoming knowledgeable of the sociopaths and narcissistic traits thru some studying made me very aware to the intentions of others and curing any traits I distaste. Its a really cold and dark world out here and everyone has their agenda to fill, usually just for their own benefits. I highly suggest you read my other blog on Narcissists & Sociopaths for a deeper view.

Finding friends who respect me has been a system of standards that is similar to choosing a potential mate. Looking for those red flags in the actions they do to others. I have become aware of that moment, they might need me or something I have to offer and their agenda involves keeping me happy as I pursue that agenda. Having consciously helped many to fulfil  agendas,  a high level of self-respect I am required to carry to be successful in these types of adventures. Being mindful of my promises and only making them if I know for a fact I can complete the task. Therefore, I look for excessive promises of incentives and measure them to reality this person is providing. Are they meeting my needs to the same standard that I provide them? Be mindful and honest when thinking about my needs being met, illusion comes when my eyes get to big and don’t notice the background music. In the end, everyone is looking to be accepted. Nothing’s wrong with it, but something is wrong if I am looking at them to tell me what I’m worth.

A Key to Self-Respect, Knowledge- Healing thru Wisdom

Challenge yourself with new experiences and information.

Finding that passion to expand my mind on a daily basis, no matter what the topic maybe. I seem to find a deep enjoyment for history and how things came to be on this planet. I sometimes find myself researching a word and the root that it stemmed from. The word “Happy” for example has a history with the Proto-Germanic, Hap- meaning to fit, or convenient. That really does not sound very happy to have something that is convenient or just fits. A great majority of the European words for “happy” at first meant “lucky.” An exception is Welsh, where the word used first meant “wise.” The term Happy ending in the literary sense was recorded first in 1756. I no longer use the word “happy” to describe my state of mind or emotions when I express myself, unless I’m at a craps table feeling lucky. I like to use the word joy c. 1200AD, “feeling of pleasure and delight;” c. 1300AD, “source of pleasure or happiness,”. I love that it is classified as a noun and happy is a adjective. The word joy as a noun brings it alive I feel being labeled as a person, place or thing. Happy seems so instant-gratification now, so striving to place things that bring me joy in my life seems a lot more permanent.

Having random knowledge such as this last paragraph has assisted drastically in attaining a level of self-respect I admire in those around me. The more you know, the more you can grow. And all that growing will empower you, making it much easier to respect yourself. I love finding other beings of light that share their perspective with me, deeply appreciate your insight and honor your courage to share. We have been born into a world that provides much intimidation to people who want to heal thru untraditional methods. Some feel others would never value their opinions and what they know. Some see themselves as not worthy or incompetent. The way I see myself is the way I’ll be. It happens every time I believe, either believe I can or believe I can’t… its my choice. If I can’t, then why I ask? Am I talented enough to find a way to succeed? Have I taken time to legitimately practice and develop skill in this craft? When I choose to take responsibility to achieve the skill and start grinding everyday at it, overtime I get it. The skills possessed in my life are extremely diversified in experience and depth, but there is nothing I haven’t been able to do thus far, unless I don’t try.

Let Go of The Control

Not all  things are within your control (you cannot always control how others act or react), but what is within your control is how you treat yourself.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”―

Theodore Roosevelt

I love that quote by Teddy, it paints a picture for me of a happy couple, Cole and Justi.

They have been together for 5 years absolutely loving and respecting each other. Best friends all throughout high school while sharing several school activities together that made solid memories for their marriage to stand strong. Cole and Justi are newly acquainted friends with a newlywed couple named Colby & Vicci. They have been seeing each other for a little over a year until Colby popped the question two months ago to Vicci.

Cole and Colby started to spend a few hours a week hanging out away from the girls. With 6 years apart in age, the two had very different perspectives to share about life. Cole being older, the more reserved planner and Colby being a driven go getter. Those two would talk about everything under the sun and share insights to so many topics, till one day. Colby makes a comment in joy about Justi in comparison to Vicci that portrayed the shallowness of their relationship. Unknowingly attacking the appearance of Justi to build up Vicci’s physical traits. The reserved Cole decided to investigate the depth of the joy portrayed thru simple questions that required Colby to focus attention on his relationship.

  • Do you add to each other’s lives in a positive way?
  • Does she inspire you to be the best version of yourself?
  • Are you a priority in her life?

Just a few questions in and I knew what type of relationship this was between them. Colby soon asked the same questions about my relationship with Justi. After stating all the sweet things she does to add to Cole’s life on a daily basis with no expectation. Colby felt robbed as he compared his relationship to another… Noticing all the things Vicci does not do, seeing joy now only in her physical attraction. Truly stated that “Comparison is the thief of joy.”―Theodore Roosevelt

Thanks everybody for being such a big part of these blogs. Your comments are priceless and incredibly helpful and encouraging. Please keep sending them my way and I’ll keep writing from the heart.

naturopathic Paladin

Really enjoyed this video on Will Smith and His views of his success. I love the drive he has and admire how he projects his reality. 



Here is some clip notes from the video:

  • Will Smith is really inspiring to me and his views are very simplistic, but real.
  • This is what I believe and I am willing to die for it.
  • We make the situation more complex then it is.
  • Talent and skill, Talent you have naturally.
  • Skill is only developed after hours and hours of doing your craft.
  • While the other guy is sleeping, i’m working
  • No matter how talent you are, if your not skilled, you will fail.
  • Will smith is not afraid to die on the tread mill.
  • Running the race and never giving up.
  • Focus on making a difference
  • I want to do good, i want the world to do better because I was here.
  • I want my family and life mean something.
  • I want to represent the idea of creating my own reality.
  • You have to believe it, no reason to have a plan B because it distracts plan A
  • Studying the patterns of the universe….
  • Protect Your dreams, Never let somebody tell you, you can’t do something.
  • You want something, go get it period…

via Will Smith’s Words of Wisdom – You Can Do Anything – YouTube.

Being About Something

by Henry Velez

I’ve noticed an interesting paradox. Some people don’t really have much of an interest in hobbies or goals, they just seem to have lots of free time and aren’t much concerned to do anything with it. To these people someone will eventually come along to tell them, “Get a life!” And then there’s another group of people, who have perhaps one or two hobbies/goals they devote almost all their time and energy into. To these people someone will eventually tells them the same thing, “Get a life!”

Well, I just figure the first group is probably still in the “I’m gonna survey the scene and make my plan later” mode. I guess as long as that doesn’t end up being the lifelong plan, I suppose choosing your path with some forethought is to be commended. As to the second group, I figure it’s only because they spend their time doing something that doesn’t interest everyone that they’ll get the “Get a life” comment. If someone wants to devote their time to saving the rainforest, well… let ’em. It doesn’t mean I have to or that it’s my job to talk them out of it. If I want to devote my time to building a business and writing screenplays, then “so let it be written… so shall it be done.”

Which brings me to the topic at hand… having a life. One of the common frustrations I’ve heard during many talks with women has been the complaint that the guy they love would be so much more ‘attractive’ if they had a goal or solid interest of their own that they pursued. At first they were attracted to their personality (or a cute butt) thinking that surely someone with all that personality had big plans for themselves. But by the time the emotional investment had been made, they realized the only consistent goal their man had in life was to finish all the beer they got on Friday before the weekend was over. Or some didn’t even have aspirations that high going for them. They said they believed their man was capable of so much, if only he’d apply himself.

Now, the funny thing is that not all these women wanted their man to go out and make a successful career or have his own business venture. Several said they just wished he had his own hobby or interest other than being in a relationship. One woman complained that her, now ex-husband, would only show up to play on his softball league if she went to the practices and games with him. It really infuriated her that he didn’t have the hobby as an interest of his own apart from her. And justifiably so.

As great as it can be to be near each other while in love, it’s nice to know you each have your own pursuits and interests enjoyed independently of whether your mate participates in them or not. It could be a bowling league, helping out with a certain charity, a quilting club, whatever. But we like to know that our mate not only has talents and abilities, but that they like to apply them in some manner that allows them to see growth and skill improve over time.

Now here is a ‘generalization’ that, of course does not apply to all men or all women, but is none the less an observation I’ve seen enough to make note of it. Most women involved in a relationship tend to encourage and very much want their mate to be active in some pursuit, goal or hobby independent of her. Most men, -not- involved in a relationship tend to find women who are into a pursuit or hobby such as say college, running, career training, etcetera to be all the more attractive as a person. However, once involved in a relationship it’s surprising how many men suddenly find their girlfriend’s/wife’s outside hobbies and interests as some kind of a threat. Especially if it means she will be more visible to the public in some way or raises her social or economic level above his.

Rather than stand beside her and cheer her on, I’ve met too many women who said that as soon as they were in a relationship their boyfriend wasn’t very supportive of them finishing college, pursuing co-ed sporting events or hobbies that their men just didn’t find interesting for themselves. To the defense of other men, I must add, other women told me how great it was that their boyfriend/husband gave them not only the freedom but the encouragement to enjoy and excel in their outside interests.

I’ve wondered why it is I rarely hear a woman saying, “I wish my boyfriend didn’t play softball on Wednesdays.” or “I don’t like the idea of him wanting to finish his degree.” I don’t wonder why men would say things like, “I don’t trust those guys in your bicycle club.” or, “Are you sure you want to spend money on a nursing program?” The reason I don’t have to wonder is because, in my opinion, men find it very easy to think of a relationship in a possessive tense. Not all men of course, because some men are simply more secure than others. The men I’ve known who really did trust their women to pursue academics, sports or public service have been men who knew without a shadow of a doubt that they had the love of their lady securely settled. They were not only willing to trust her while he wasn’t around, they took joy in her accomplishments even if it raised her income or ‘image’ a notch or two above his own.

Getting back to the “single and looking” state of things, as I mentioned earlier we tend to find people who are ‘about something’ to be more attractive. It’s almost a sign we look for that this person has a healthy outlook towards the future and is not just sitting about waiting for a relationship to fall in their lap. Conversely when we happen upon someone who, even after further investigation, doesn’t seem to have direction or purpose we tend to find them less attractive. Sometimes we think we can ignite some ‘spark’ into them to pursue something, but unless they have that desire themselves it usually turns into one person nagging the other along to keep them active in outside pursuits.

There is an old Roman proverb, “Nothing worthwhile comes without great effort.” Perhaps you are the type of person who enjoys lightly exploring many different fields and subjects. That’s a good thing. But eventually I believe it’s a good and healthy thing to sit down and decide, “Exactly what are my passions in life?” Is it to sing or perform in some way? To study or build a business or career? Is it to be an excellent Father or Mother? Do I enjoy helping out others or being active in sports or the arts?

Once we have one or two of these questions answered I believe it’s one of the best favors we can do for both ourselves and our prospective mate to begin focusing our talents and abilities in setting goals to excel in the areas that interest us most. Who knows? It may just very well be the turning point in what you decide to do as a career or lifestyle. But one thing is certain, as was put so well in a recent film, “All men die, but not all men truly live.” We have only so many days to walk about the dust of the earth, it would be a great loss to have squandered them aimlessly.

Copyright 1999 – Henry Velez/EnricoSuave. Reprinted with permission. This article is just one of the many others to be perused at MonkeySHINES! & The Sanity ZONE. This article may be printed, reproduced and distributed non-commercially if done so in it’s entirety with credit/copyright notation.

More articles available at: