To the people that have helped

Posted: June 19, 2015 in Relationships
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To those that helped me,

Boy am I thankful for you being there for me. Those times would have been a lot harder without your help and support. The very small things you did were so simple and mundane to you. For me it was a blessing from above. You have been a Godsend in my life at the right moment. Everything you do I do my best to see and honor.

At times I fall short in your eyes and this saddens my heart. I get fearful and embarrassed to see your face because I see my faults that have hurt you. I fall short when I let fear of understanding get in the way. Scared that you won’t accept me after my mistake. Fear that you will label me as an excuse maker or procrastinator. These thoughts plague my mind from time to time and I push past them with the best wisdom I have. Doing what I can do to make it right, even if it’s just with words. Leaving me with a plague of guilt. So I will always try to heal any hurt I have created for you.

But if we are gonna be friends I need you to understand something. I’m struggling right now to keep food cold that I get from the foodbank. The issue is the rocks in the soil when I go to dig below the frost level. The mountains of Idaho are loaded with gemstones and other treasures that make digging such a daunting task.  One can use the creek to cool food items. With the sun counteracting the cooling it sometimes leads to spoiling. But what do I do when I come back to town? Well things tend to spoil no matter what I do right now. I don’t want this for our friendship as well when I can’t tend to it. I shy from speaking to you sometimes so I’m not a burden that I know you will race to help. Your a great person full of love and sometimes I don’t feel worthy of it because of fear.

You deserve the best a person can offer I feel. Sometimes I can’t offer much as a friend and feel bad hanging out cause you give so much. I make note for the day I can pay you back in my mind. I want to offer you some food and a place to stay. I want to offer you a place to earn money. I want to give back what you have gave to me and more. You are a light in my life and I will always honor you for the good deeds you have done. Never condemn you for frustration you have shown me at times. You were there for me when I needed help. Everyday is a new struggle in my world. But that’s the expence I paid to be able to reach this mindset and actually care if I hurt you.

It may seem at times that I don’t respect you when I don’t agree with what you have to say. With all my power I always did my best to neutralize a heated situation. Using a calm and confidently delivered phrase, such as “that’s really rude and you need to back off,”  it shows you I am willing to stand up for myself. It also displays my unwillingness to play the role of your verbal punching bag. I have been around that quite a bit and allowing it to exist in my life is how I got to this low point in the first place. So when you see this side of me feel proud that I am growing up and developing self-respect while having nothing.

If you have the ability to speak with me then you will know a few of my struggles I have created for myself. But to the outside world and Facebook a display of positive outlooks and trying to be a rock for others. I struggle with loneliness, abandonment, and all sorts of things. That does not define me as a person and I have asked those who are not good for my spiritual development to not understand and disappear from my life. Attachment to something that does not unconditionally love me is easy for me now that I see it good for me. So I find the time and the wifi to write you back on Facebook. Let it be known that it was a trial to do it. I’m more focused on where I am staying that night. Sometimes I dont have wifi and can’t fill you in. Thank you for when this happens and you understand.

I am thankful for your help and I don’t want it without earning it. I don’t want it held over my head like it has been in the past when small frustrations come up. Those negative words you share about who I am can have a profound effect on my self-esteem since they are coming from a friend I choose to have in my life. I WILL MAKE MISTAKES right now alot… I’m not very reliable right now with my mind focused on survival. My belly at times grumbles and makes me hangry, those days seem the ones I am tested. My temper is put to the test and I refrain my best for using my situation as an excuse. So I escape to solitude which is good and bad for me.

I feel in my solitude I do not consume the help of others. I am self-sufficient and have a vast knowledge on edible food in the woods. The city is different for me and its designed to spend money/make money/have transportation. These are my difficult tasks I am learning to overcome. The bus route for example shuts down at 6pm and wrecks havoc on planning for things. This is a issue that no one else has to handle in my world. They don’t know the feeling of riding the bus or running 4 miles to meet a deadline. With a few things over my head I am still hammering away at.. Soon Ill be able to be a better friend to you and show you the true person I am when I am not in a humbled learning phase of my life. I’m learning to keep up with expectations people set when I don’t have the means of completing them. Ill get it down, Just new to it.

I have never been in this type of hole with not a lot of options. So I am running on trial and error everyday. So thank you fro understanding when it takes forever to get back to you. I’m just struggling right now and don’t want tell you more than “I’m doing great”. I’ll get out of it and take flight like before. You’re my hero and Ill do my best to make things right one day for any offences. Be kind with your words and please be understanding that I’m working at it.

Ill do my best to respond and not make promises I can’t keep in fear of your judgement of my failure. I want to be the best for you and myself. I’m on it and gonna make it.

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